What does kindness look like to you. To me it looks like a gentleman
from John Hopkins University. He speaks softly, slowly and you find
yourself hanging on to his every word.
I had the distinct pleasure of working with Dr. P.M. Forni when he
came to Grand Rapids Community College to launch our One Book, One
College, One Community project.
Dr. Forni is the author of Choosing Civility. I am thrilled to share Dr. Forni*s 25 rules of conduct.
The Grand Rapids Community College will launch a blog sharing weekly conversation starters for Dr. Forni’s 25 rules of civil conduct. You can find the blog at www.grcc.edu/25rules.
Dr. Forni spent three very full days in Grand Rapids, Michigan on GRCCs campus. He presented to students, faculty and the community at large. Each of his presentations were standing room only and crowds spilled into overflow rooms.
Obviously, the topic of choosing civility is one that people are eager to learn more about.
The following twitter posts showcase Dr. Forni’s presentation to the community. I*ve chosen to showcase examples below each twitter post to underscore how we can practice what Dr. Forni preaches:
#Civility-Dr. P.M. Forni - refrain from arguing- never raise your voice or lose your temper. (that is something I need to teach myself!)
How often do you find yourself raising your voice, rising to the occasion when anger bubbles up inside you? Dr. Forni speaks as if every word is one he has chosen with care just for you. This style of speaking is obviously a part of his personality, yet I often found myself thinking back to times in my life when I would raise my voice just to hear myself speak. I often lash out instead of listening. Choosing to listen to others and not overreacting is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned this week. Listening behavior is not innate. It is learned. This weekend I was told to “shut up” twice. I cheer at hockey games. I cheer for both sides. I sang happy birthday to a
young man who scored a goal on his birthday and the opposing fans screamed ‘shut up.’ Seriously? When did jeering replace cheering? It is up to all of us to stop the insanity.
#Civility-Dr. P.M. Forni - "other people at work has replaced workload as #1 cause of stress in the workplace"
Think about the fact that people are causing more stress in the workplace than work load. That means you and I. What can we do in our workplace make our space a more civil place? How can we take a more 5,000 foot view and see our surroundings and how we impact them.
Do you say good morning? Do you listen when people are giving constructive criticism? Do you care about those around us? Do you ‘internally negatively accuse yourself’ and turn work issues into your own personal issues. Let’s face it, most often they are, in fact, ‘just issues at work.’ When we personalize the issues we may react in an uncivil manner to our colleagues and exasperate the problem.
#Civility-Dr. P.M. Forni - 5 causes of incivility: lack of self restraint & time - high stress, anonymity , doubting yourself.
Dr. Forni*s point to drive home: anonymity will increase the opportunity for incivility. He showcased a story of two individuals driving to work. One cuts the other off and that person returns with a dramatic one finger gesture. What does the first driver do in return? He slows down to a snails pace to frustrate the second driver even more. The second driver then speeds around the individual to really showcase their anger, and when they pull up alongside each other,
they realize they know each other. The anger immediately turns to embarrassment for both individuals. Thinking you are anonymous (social networking?) can lead you to say and act in ways you may not otherwise. You are “bold” to the point of rudeness. Stop. Think
of your actions. Remember the person you are addressing “anonymously” may be your mom.
#Civility-Dr. P.M. Forni -Civility does the everyday busy work of goodness. Social intelligence is an indicator of success in life.
Everyone is tired of the negative campaign ads. We crave goodness. We cheered when miners saw the light of day. It*s good to be good. Dr. Forni says it*s never appropriate, yes, NEVER appropriate to be rude. If that is the case then it is ALWAYS appropriate to be good.
I saw an individual at lunch today hold a chair open to a stranger because there were no seats left in the restaurant. Goodness. I saw a young person hold the door open for three older adults. Goodness. Can we improve our everyday business work of goodness? When we do, we
have a greater chance of success.
#Civility-Dr. P.M. Forni - Civility is a matter of life and death- people die more frequently in ICUs with a culture of incivility.
The one place where care needs to be the top focus should be in an ICU. If colleagues are passive, inattentive, angry in their work environment the people they care for are not receiving intensive care. Dr. Forni states that studies prove that a culture of incivility can relate to deteriorating health. What can each of us do something to stop it? Often the most effective “treatment” for this incivility is to place yourself in your colleagues shoes. Feel their pain. It*s not only civil - apparently, it’s lifesaving.
#Civility-Dr. P.M. Forni - Civility and kindness brings attention to daily goodness. We need connections and daily goodness, to be likable.
Likeable. Now that’s a word I like. It feels good to be liked. It feels good to like others. How can you learn to like others who are not like you? Each day we choose to care about those around us. We choose to include them in our worlds. A smile, the tone of your voice, your body language can be likeable. You can also immediately give the impression of stern, stressed, overworked, overbearing and unlikeable. I choose likeble. I choose civility.
#Civility-Dr. P.M. Forni We ought to treat others as ends in themselves rather than means of satisfying our own personal needs.
“That was cool Mom!” said 14 year old Luke. “What?” Mom replied. “That guy blinked his tailights at you after you let him in. I was in a hurry to get home as I sped down the freeway. A car next to me wanted to come into my lane and was stuck behind a semi-trailer. My normal behavior would have been to speed up and gleefully pass by without caring about his time or need. But civility wrapped my mind and I thought, “I’ll slow down, flash my lights, and let him in.”
That small gesture became a life lesson for a 14 year old. Civility is cool.
#Civility-Dr. P.M. Forni There is little more importance than caring about others and being thoughtful for others.
When Dr. Forni spoke about caring for others he stopped me cold.
Because this is the essence of his presentation. Dr. Forni didn’t say it’s important to... he said “There is little more importance....” This means nothing is more important than caring
about others. Civility IS caring about others. There is little more importance than remembering that above anything else.
#Civility-Dr. P.M. Forni Relationships are the cornerstone of civility. Handle others with care.
Handle with care. We sometimes treat shipped packages better than people. How do you treat the individuals you are most close to? Do you find yourself taking them for granted, constantly venting to them, only caring about your own personal day or issue? I sometimes have
hot coffee brought to me from my favorite coffee house. It is sitting steaming on my desk when I arrive. This small act of goodness is a calculated civil act. My feelings were thought of in advance and I’ve been handled with care. And I will share that goodness, share my overflowing cup of civility.
Be sure to share your stories of civility. You can post here or on the GRCC blog, which launches a 25 week campaign on the 25 rules: www.grcc.edu/25rules.
